


Stained

by vogue91



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, F/M, Introspection, Mother-Son Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 18:08:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13253757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: A love which had known two only women, which now both laid in an ice cold grave.





	Stained

There was something indefinable in his eyes.

Lifeless pieces of coal, many had called them.

And yet every morning, looking at himself in the mirror, Severus Snape tried to go over what he was seeing, hoping intensely to finally see a light deep into that ocean of black.

But he knew there wasn’t going to be anything anymore, not a flash nor a hope to make him stay afloat in that existence. And so he had resigned to stay a shadow, without remembering the words of those few people who had actually seen something, who had recognised something in that lack of warmth.

 

_It was July, summer of 1975. He was running on the sidewalk, to be precise he was escaping. Another fight, made only of insults, injuries and stench of alcohol. He couldn’t stay, even though leaving his mother alone with that monster made him feel considerably guilty._

_He stopped, as if he had suddenly forgotten the reason behind his running away. What was he doing? With time, he feared he had become that coward he had always tried to avoid his entire life._

_He felt empty, as if he had no choice. As if he had suddenly decided that his presence was useless to the world, that he couldn’t do a thing for the people he loved. He collapsed on the sidewalk, oblivious to the curious glances of the people surrounding him._

_Severus Snape wouldn’t have had a reason to be anymore, had it depended on him. He would’ve become a memory, a memory rotting fast in minds too tired to bear the weight of remembering._

_In that moment, the almost fifteen years old boy gave up. He gave up to the darkness destined to welcome the rest of his days, one by one, until it would’ve sunk his whole existence._

_The next morning he went reluctantly downstairs for breakfast; he stared at his mother, as she did him._

_They stayed like that, still, taking advantage of that single moment of silence, of peace, a much valuable luxury in that home._

_Severus was sure to recognise disappointment in her eyes, the regret of a woman who had loved, and that from loved had received only wounds, torments and sleepless nights. And the boy knew he was part of that disappointment, in his complete inability of protecting her in any way._

_When his powers had started to show, he had hoped to finally been able to crush that man who didn’t deserve the definition of father, to put him back in the ground he came from._

_But he wasn’t strong enough to defend his mother, and not because he risked to physically succumb to that Muggle. All too soon, he had found out that magic could do nothing to face the attack of words. Of blabbered words, words that brought with them the horrifying smell of liquor and truth._

_Words that had forced him to close up inside himself, building an unbreakable wall._

_And so, when he was home, he forced himself to watch the ruin of the only woman who loved him, and kept still, unable to move, deaf to her silent scream for help._

_Severus Snape had never understood what brought Eileen to love him, and ended up blaming it on that maternal instinct everybody talked about. Because no one in his right mind would’ve ever felt any form of affection for someone capable only of looking while wounds took place on his mother’s body._

_But she kept loving him, and it was enough. He felt he had an immense love to give, and she was the only way to vent this feeling that seemed to burn inside his body._

_But soon, he realized it was his curse; all he loved, was destined to die._

His mother had caused his ruin. She had convinced him that there was hope, hope that someday someone could actually read inside of him, going beyond that grim shell, and finding out that Severus was just a human being, just like everybody else.

But ‘normal’ was a word that didn’t really suit him, and Severus had found that out all too soon, to the price of never cried tears, for people that had never had a place in his life; at least, not like he would’ve wanted them.

 

_“Severus, what’s wrong?” the redheaded got closer to him, with the same look on her face that knew only kindness and cheerfulness. The seventeen years old wizard shrugged._

_“It’s nothing, Lily.” he hissed. He didn’t like to be rude to her, but even less he liked to show her his weakness. He was wrapped in the usual black cloak, sat in the shadow of one of the huge trees surrounding Hogwarts. Lily noticed he was close to tears, but by now she knew him well enough to know he wasn’t going to cry. Not Severus, not for any reason in the world. She sighed._

_“Come on, you know you can talk to me.” she tried to convince him, but he glared at her._

_“Really, Lily, I don’t know what to say.” he lied. He rested his head against the trunk and snorted, sarcastic, hoping his friend would’ve noticed._

_What was he supposed to tell her? That the letters from home were becoming scarcer and scarcer? That any of those letters stunk of lies? That in those words he could read the tremor in his mother’s hands, that he saw the ink stains permanently ruined by tears?_

_No, he couldn’t. Lily cared for him, and he knew as much. But he also knew it wasn’t time to show himself for what he truly was, to let her have just the bare hint of a Severus Snape that wasn’t so easy to understand like she may think._

_And, besides, he knew the trust he had in her kept fading as her relationship with Potter grew. He turned to face her, but they both remained silent. He stared into those green eyes, trying to burn them in his memory, as if he knew he wasn’t going to have all the time he wanted to still look at them._

_She caressed his cheek, staring at him back._

_“Your eyes are gloomier today.” she whispered, somewhere between serious and mocking. Snape shook his head._

_“Hardly. They’re black, it doesn’t get much worse than this.” he said._

_“Black has got its shades too, Severus, if only you’re able to see them.” she replied, proud._

_Oh yes, Severus knew all too well that if there was someone in the world able to pick up the nuances it was Lily Evans. Except there were some details, some parts of his nature that he didn’t want for her to see._

_In his infinite weakness, there was alive in him an ancestral instinct imposing him to protect her, without even knowing from what._

_The only thing he knew for sure was that Lily wasn’t healthy for him, as he wasn’t for her; he had realized long ago how much that friendship was destined to perish under the weight of two paths that would’ve never coincided._

_“Please, Lily... just leave me alone.” he begged her; and he wasn’t actually begging for her to leave, he begged for her to forgive the pain he was forced to inflict upon her, he begged her to close her eyes in front of his failures, of his annihilating incapability of living. And she had done that so many times that their relationship was closer to break , as if to keep them together was nothing that a bond becoming ashes._

Guilt had weighed on his shoulders for over a decade, and his mind hadn’t been able to find holes in his soul to get rid of those memories become too hard to be stood.

 _“There are no shades in me, Lily.”_ he thought, aware of his defeat. His past was a label narrating what man he had become. Unable to protect his mother, unable to protect Lily, they both had died under the hand of  creatures unworthy of the name of men, and they both held high the banner of his failures. But he was also aware of the fact that they were still watching over him, from an undefined place that Severus didn’t even believe in. As if they wanted to remark their gazes over him, protecting him despite all he had done. He looked at the sky, and he thought he could see them both.

Times were dark, even more than he felt his soul. He knew the end was nigh, he could see the dark omens about the apex of his vainglory.

He would’ve died a man who kept inside, protected by invisible walls, the purest love; a useless love, an unspoken one. A cursed love, which had ripped proud its victims.

A love that Severus would’ve willingly left on this earth, as if it was just a burden.

A love stained of black, as a reflection of his eyes, of his soul.

A love which had known two only women, which now both laid in an ice cold grave.


End file.
